Tuesday, April 29, 2008


It's been a while. And my pants could tell a thousand tales of many pizzas and cookies past. Winter was quite possibly the ultimate in junk food indulgences. No cake was too sweet. No cookie too round. No pizza too cheesy. No couch too comfy!

I could feel my pants getting more and more snug as the months wore on. And when spring finally arrived, I realized that none of my clothing fit at all. The cute capri's, the sweet tank tops, the little dresses and booty shorts... all too small.

On top of all that, I am standing for Carrice's wedding June 28th and my dress is a size 6... no, that isn't a typo, that is a SIX. Currently I look like a stuffed sausage in the dress, and the only reason that I can get it on is because there are no zippers. Sigh.

How did I let it go this far? What on earth was I going to do? I had exactly 8 weeks and I had to act fast.

So I had a farewell toast with my roomie A, and it was buhbye wine, buhbye strongbow, buhbye chips, buhbye chocolate, buhbye candy and buhbye all things bad...

I joined a bootcamp. An ass-whooping, gut-busting, muscle-building mother fucker of a workout. This should be good.

Oh, did I mention that I was also scheduled to start a full-on CLEANSE the same day that bootcamp began? Yes, that too.

The cleanse consists of a very strict diet, 4L of water per day and herbal supplements with meals. The diet resembles that of a level 4 vegan - kibble 'n bits.

Items that cannot be consumed: sugar of all kinds, dairy, flour of any kind, additives or preservatives, anything fermented, and anything with flavour.

And so it began today....

Monday April 28th 2008 - Day 1

At first I was excited about the day. Everyone kept telling me how hard it was going to be, especially since I was starting a cleanse too. I kept denying it, to them and to myself. Ignorance is bliss.

Breakfast this morning was another story all-together - that is when I found out just how disgusting the herbal cleanse supplements are. The liquid tastes like what I think a dirty anus would taste like. So, every meal I eat I have to take these supplements first - which means that all of my meals have the dirty anus aftertaste. Scrumptous!

The food isn't entirely terrible - just bland and dry. Sauce is a hot commodity on a cleanse.

When I got to bootcamp I was already feeling a little ill... either I wanted to throw up or I wanted to take a major BM... I couldn't decide so I did neither.

The measurements for day 1 of bootcamp made me want to cry. As I stood there wondering how I let myself go, I remembered going through this exact type of experience last spring... and I tried to think of ways to avoid the winter bulge next year. At this point I was just trying to keep my mind off the numbers that Captain Guns was writing on my pitiful page.

The 'fit test' wasn't bad until I had to run 1km. Ready, Set, GO! And I was off at lightning speed for the first quarter mile... as I started to slow down and eventually come to a very slow jog I realized that my cardiovasular fitness was not only lacking, it was non-existent.

Dear Lungs,

I love you. Please come back to me. I miss you terribly and I promise to feed you delicious oxygen every day.

Your loving owner,


After the 6:09 kilometre run I was exhausted and bootcamp was over. It was a good thing too because this is when BE #1 kicked in (bathroom emergency). One of the herbal supplements is a natural laxative - to flush the shit out of your system (literally).

It is a good thing that I had met Claire, one of the bootcampees, and she offered me a ride home so that I didnt' have to walk. Otherwise BE #2 would have been very embarrassing.

What I have learned today:

  • winter is not an excuse to pig out

  • cleansing isn't as easy as one might think
  • one should always plan for bathroom emergencies (BE's)

- Brianne

1 comment:

carrice said...

Holy Shoots! This all sounds pretty intense! Kudos on starting bootcamp and the cleanse though!

Can't wait to see the results.